Are You for Me?

Sometimes thoughts stir up. Thoughts I hate thinking and even thoughts I never thought I would think.

How could God do this?

Doesn't He love me?

Isn't He for me?

Are You sure this is good for me?

Are You sure this will prosper me?

I hate that You didn't step in.

Are You the Almighty?

I lost a friend to murder. Sometimes I have no idea what God wants of me (in any way shape or form). I struggle with lust (every day). I'm working 60 hours a week for an entire summer just to pay off a balance I owe for the next school year. I'm struggling in the classes I need to take to do what I'm sure (on good days) God wants me to do. My mom is struggling with the house, and so I work those 60 hours to help. I could go on. This is the worst summer I have yet to experience, and the only line I have playing in my head is "everything gets worse before it gets better."

Can I handle worse?

Lately I've been playing a song on repeat, For Me - Kari Jobe. For those who don't know her, or don't listen to her often I reccommend you listen to it at least once. The chorus of the song though is something that continues to play in my head even if I'm not listening to it.  

"I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that You will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that You have come down, even if to write upon my heart. To remind me who You are."

I thought I was sinning by having doubts in my God. I thought I'm a Christian, I have to believe in God all the time and keep that constant faith. Then I realized the true distinction between faith and belief. Not only had I been pushing through life on threads of belief and less than a string of faith, but I was fighting a demon I was sure to lose against if those threads and strings didn't get woven together.

Faith is where your heart is. Belief is where your head comes into play, and some days my head and my heart are not together on anything. Some days I have to force myself to sit down and read the Word, or listen to some worship or talk to my best friend about my frustrations. Sometimes my faith in God fights against the things I believe and I end up losing in the center of it all.

But sometimes, I win. More often then not my faith triumphs and I realize that God has me in the palm of His hand. Me. A miniscule, rambly, emotional, trainwreck of a girl who is just trying to keep herself afloat with friendships, school, family, and an incredible true love. He has me in the palm of His hand, and He is molding me each day. That faith triumphs, intertwines itself with belief and together they rule my day with prayer, worship, and scripture.

Not everyday is good. I have doubts all the time. But if I didn't have them, I woudln't be where I stand. And I like the view from up here, in the center of God's hand.

until next time (:

Don't forget about the LITTLE People!

I love reading BibleGateway's verse of the day. No matter what day I read, or in this case which verse it is I am reading it always has to do with my life at this time. God is funny like that!

Lately I've been feeling a little selfish, because I work 2 jobs, train for a 5K, and still I'm behind on money and everything else. Why is it that I do so much for other people but I feel like God has forgotten His servant? Well I opened up BibleGateway today and this is what I read...Hebrews 6:10 which says "God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them." 

I got smacked in the face. What was I thinking? God forgetting one of His children? Am I insane?

Don't answer that last question...But nonetheless, it was something I needed to feel to truly realize that God is always there - doing what is best for me. It's like grieving, no one volunteers for it, but when it shows up on your doorstep it's something you have to deal with as a human being. Once it's over, however you can sit back and know how much you have changed thanks to God's handy work because He brought you through something the world threw you into. 

Think about Abraham. An old man was told by God that a great kingdom would come from him. Through leading his people, to almost sacrificing his son Abraham followed the truth that God spoke on belief alone. 

What about Daniel? Talk about the pits of despair. Anyone else want to volunteer to be in the pit with the lions? I didn't think so. God said He would deliver Daniel, and He did. God doesn't forget a servant - no matter how big or small. 

Sometimes I ache for the knowledge of where God wants me. Sometimes I wonder why I'm at both jobs, or running for a lost friend, or why I try so hard to please something I can't even see. Then I realize it's all because He loves. It's all because of His sacrifice. It's all because of the Spirit that leads me. Trust. Trust. Trust.

If you feel small know that you are a priority to the Lord. Know that no matter how tiny or insignificant you might feel, God is bigger than your emotions and He has a handle on all the things you fear and worry. God will never forget one of His sheep, because He is the great shepherd. Do the tasks set out for you, help the least for that is helping Jesus, and love to the end of your rope. Even when you don't think you can handle anymore of anything or anyone, step out onto thin air - God is holding you.

I still feel small sometimes, but no longer insignificant.

until next time (: