A Year Too Long - To You, Chels

This post has been days, weeks, and even months in the making. I've started and deleted, started and changed words and then deleted everything because no words seems to match up to exactly how I am feeling. It's hard to know how you feel when parts of you still don't know how to feel.

The thought of today has consumed my mind for the majority of this year, and even more so since the month of February has begun. The idea that it has been a full year and I still have days where it gets hard to breathe when I think about her is just...frustrating. I foolishly believed that once last February had passed I'd be alright. When I wasn't I began to dread her birthday, the 6 month anniversary and this. This constant reminder that one year ago a ray of sunshine was stolen from this planet, and I never got the chance to tell her how much she inspired me.

For those who are a bit in the dark I'll fill you in - it's become cathartic to do so.

One year ago today, my friend and someone I held to high esteem was on a run in the middle of the day, like she did everyday and was kidnapped by a man named John Albert Gardner III. Her purity was stolen, and then he took her last breaths, and with that sent an entire community of people into a fit of rage - fear - and misunderstanding.

With all of that being said, this is to you.

Chelsea, my sunflower sister,

We were born the same month, a year apart. We had the same two favorite colors. We're our parent's "hippy children". We WILL change the world. I miss you more than most words could express but I am going to try for your sake. Today is hard. Today was something I just wanted to skip over and forget, but in a way that remembered you without hurting me - sadly I've found that that isn't possible. I have so many things to ask you, so many things I want to know, but today none of those things seem to matter. The only thing that does, ironically, is how you feel today? Are you with your parents and brother? How about Poway High School? Are you in a thousand places at once? Is that possible? I want to know how you see us now? What do the stars look like underneath your feet? Is it fun to ride on a cloud? Or even a drop of rain? What's it like knowing his name? Would you want him where he is now? What would you say to him if you could say anything at all? I have too many questions, too many pangs of anger-frustration-sadness-tears...there are too many emotions to feel today and I feel them all every second of this day. The next four or five days are going to be hard because I remember EVERY little thing about the weekend you were missing. I remember the air being knocked out of me at 7:00 pm sharp March 2nd. I remember all of my anger towards, all of my question...some of it hasn't subsided. God didn't want this for you, angel, he didn't want you to be hurt or to meet you before your time. He wanted you to fullfill all the beautiful things through the doors he opened for you. My God wouldn't have let this happen..so how did it? I won't stop asking until I behold His face and ask him myself. Then I'll run into your arms and we'll giggle like we always did. Until that day, save a spot for me-preferably a recycled bean bag chair (: I love you, babygirl and you are my inspiration.

I hope your proud of me. 

Forever,

Me.

until next time.

I believe because He believed first

At the beginning of this year a friend of mine asked me a very simple question because he has questions himself. The question was this, "Why do you believe in God?" And my answer was just as simple - sort of. "Because He's never given up on me."

In a way I've found that the greatest way to get out my beliefs are to state them all out as a decree. I find it rather easy to explain my belief in God to others, and in some ways it is rather difficult to do just that. I can tell other Christians time and time again to watch their tongue, but if I do not do the same - what good is it? I can explain my belief in God as simply as His belief in me, but if I give up on Him - what good am I?

I believe in a God who is forever present and omnipresent. I believe in a God who before my birth knew me and sent His only child to die for the sins I would commit. As a Christian I am NOWHERE NEAR perfect, nor do I wish to be. I wish to be the greatest earthly version of myself I can be for my God. I wish to be a great beacon for those who cannot see through the darkness, and lead them to the shore where God reigns as the great light. 

I don't believe that God resides only in churches, ornate buildings made to flaunt the money that the church has brought in. I find church, the way that the Bible spoke it to be, in the conversations I have with other people. God is amongst those who push your faith and make you wonder why you believe exactly what you believe. I believe in God because when I pray I get a warm feeling from the tips of my fingers, to points of my toes. I believe in God because after I spoke on losing a friend to murder and how I was overcoming that through the faith that God can come in and make me warm again. I believe in God because He gave me friends and family who told me in my darkest times "let love in and He will do the rest". I believe in God because He never lost faith in me, He sent His son to die for me-my name was written on his every wound and for that, I will never give up on Him.

I have a lot of plans for my life, a lot of desires and a lot of wishes - thankfully, God has just as many plans, desires and wishes for me. Faith is following and being active in your beliefs. I am being active by believing in my God by helping those who need me and following where He opens doors. I believe He has a plan. He has never let me down.

I believe because He believed first.

until next time (:

Princes of Today

I love Disney movies. I grew up watching them, and falling in love as a little girl, with the Beast. I fell in love with him because Belle saved him, not the other way around. It was give and take - a true Prince and Princess.

I never once attained the princess mentality, because I think it is silly for a little girl to grow up thinking she is entitled and that one day a tall, rich, handsome man will save her from all of her problems. For all the princesses waiting on their prince do yourself a favor and stop. There is no man in chaps, who owns acres upon acres of untouched land, living in a castle (with hundreds of servants), and that has a life goal of finding his Princess in a maid's frock coming to save you from the problems of your life. Sorry to disappoint you.

Let me clarify a little bit, it will make sense I promise.

There are "Princes" in the world, but they aren't like everything Disney portrayed - not even close. Thankfully, you don't have to throw on a maid's frock, feed chickens, and beat men like Gaston away with a stick just to be found by a Prince. 

The princes of today are still handsome, but a lot of them don't ride white horses and sweep you off your feet with a song (that you conveniently know the reciprocal lyrics to). The princes of today are those who make you feel like you should, they make you feel like YOU. The princes of today make you smile that special smile you've kept saved up for your prince. The princes of today make you feel breath taking with one look. The princes of today are true princes.

They are great, but not perfect, because the princesses of today are a wee bit different than Snow White and Sleeping Beauty (thank goodness). Now the princesses of today are willing to fight for the princes of today. The princesses of today aren't afraid to stand strong for what they believe. The princesses of today will make the first move, but it's a give and take. The princesses of today are all around, just waiting on the princes of today to notice their true beauty (some things never change). 

As I said, my favorite disney movie is Beauty and the Beast because in the movie Belle fights for the Beast, and wins triumphantly, all because she loved him for who was - not for what she hoped for him to be. Most other Disney movies portrayed a helpless princess who only cared about the look of their prince, and not necessarily the truth behind the face.

For all the doubtful princesses out in the world I have a little bit of advice, be yourself - not what society thinks princesses should be. Prince Charming might not come with rippling pectorals, loads of cash, or "true loves' first kiss" - but he will be worth much more than all of the Disney movies combined.

For the searching princes, keep your eyes peeled for the girl who is herself, and gives you that special smile - she's the princess those story books always talked about.

No one ever said love wasn't worth the wait, or the fight.

until next time (:

New Year? New Everything.

Everyone does a "New Year's Resolution" - I'm here to do a New Year Revolution.

I'm getting a little tired of feeling the same way about myself, which isn't all that great to begin with. I'm tired of saying I'll do things that I want to do with my life but not actually doing them.  I am going to learn to play the guitar, and I'm going to be good at it. I am going to get straight As this semester because I can. I'm going to change someone's life just by loving them like Jesus.

Why should I expect anything less of myself than what I can do? Push myself to my limits, and then push myself more. Limits are for those who can't see past their own inabilities. I can't do some things, but who cares? I have a bad back, weak joints, and I'm severely anemic. I'm going to give blood, run a couple 5Ks, and be a yoga BEAST this year. I want to live my life as a testament to say there isn't anything you can't do, no matter what's wrong with you.

2010 has been interesting to say the least. I finished my freshmen year of college, I went to summer camp for the first time (as a counselor), I got baptized, I made incredible friends, I helped put together and run fund raisers for incredible organizations, I lost a friend to murder, and I've laughed more-cried more-loved more this year than most of the others in my life. 2010 served me well.

But 2011? Oh it will be amazing. Here's to what's bound to be an amazing year.

until next year(:

Friend. Friends. Friendship. Love.

Everyone says how thankful they are for the people in their lives, and I take my time to do so for everyone in my life. It is too important for me to tell everyone I love them, then to let time pass and they never know. 

There was a time when I looked up to someone so much, but never had the guts to tell her until it was far too late. It was high school, and she is a year younger than I am, I felt that it would have been odd and random for me to tell a girl with no inhibitions that I admired that simple fact. Oh how wrong I was. 

Christmas day will be the 10 month anniversary of her death, and there are no words to explain how much I wish I could go back in time and walk up to her in the quad and tell her that I loved how free she was. I want to be more like her, and everyday I strive my hardest to do just that. Everyone says "Oh, she knows." "She can hear you, she knows how much she meant to you." And all that is fine and dandy, but the only prayer I have is that I touched her life as much as she touched mine. 

To my fallen angel, I miss you and I love you and one day I'll get the chance to tell you face to face how much you changed my life. We will change the world.

With all that said, I want to tell everyone of my friends reading this at this very moment, it's a lot of rambles but listen closely.

I have found that without each and every one of you I wouldn't be where I am. I have some of the best roommates, best dorm of girls, a devo group that brings me closer to God every day, amazing co-workers, res life blows my mind, a group of guy friends whom I'm beyond lucky to have, and even 2400 miles away I have some pretty amazing people to visit and love.

Everyday I tell people "You're the love of my life." "I'm madly in love with you." or even a simple "I love you." And everyday, in every scenario I mean it to everyone. I've found the secret to living life to the fullest, it is to love everyone as much as possible and tell them every chance you get. There is nothing that makes you feel more alive than love.

until next time (:

love from the Great Lover to us

Do you ever get lost in a song? Hear the lyrics, and feel the rhythm and think "I am moved". The Great Love Story - Jimmy Needham has moved me.

Although Jimmy Needham is a more Christian author, and although I am a Christian, it is important to understand the truth behind the words he sings in the song. The rhythm, lyrics, and emotion Needham puts into this work takes my breath away in more ways than one.

The first lines get your heart pounding because they make you question your walk with the Lord. "Where do you hide? Where do you go? Why are you running from Me?" I don't spend the majority of my time asking myself why I am not synced with God when I have my off days. I don't think that that is the reason the majority of the time, in fact, I don't realize that that is the reason all of the time. But it is the reason.

Why do I hide, and where do I go, and why on earth would I run from God? At times I run because I don't think consciously towards God during my day. I hide because I think I can handle my problems on my own. I go to places that I think will fullfill me. Ironically, those places don't fill me, God can handle all my problems, and my day should be towards God all the time.

The moral of the story is that God has created and is the great love story, God loves unbendingly and truthfully without letting go of any of us, whether we return the love or not. Just because you may not believe, doesn't mean the Creator does not love you. Believe it when I say He is just waiting for your arms to open, and your heart to cry out. 

The Great Love Story cries out to God in the greatest ways, and when I'm having a rough day and I'm not focusing on the Lord, I listen to it and it brings me back.

To you, world, check it out-and if you're not already on the bandwagon, jump on with me - God's pretty great.

To you, Jimmy, thank you thank you thank you.

until next time (:

A Letter to the Beauties of the World

I'll be the first one to tell you that my self esteem level is relatively a 2 or 3 on a good day, if we're scaling from 1-20, but something that bothers me the most in the world is hearing a beautiful girl think of herself as anything less than a perfect creation of God. 

The further is a letter to the woman of the world, man or woman read it for what it is, not for what you think it might be.

Dear Beautiful,

Yes, I'm talking to you. Why would you assume differently? What is it like for you to wake up every day and decide with one look in the mirror how you will feel about the person you are. Let me paint a picture for you and you think of how it applies to who you are. Wake up, roll out of bed, check the mirror and see bed head, running make up, possibly a bit of drool, and barely open eyes. Let me tell you something, no one looks good when they first wake up. Sure you've seen movies in which women roll out of bed and immediately go about there day. news flash: hair and make up teams are on stand by. MOVIES ARE NOT REAL LIFE.

You don't have to believe what I have to say next, but read through it anyway, read through and then read through one more time, hopefully something will stick.

God made mankind in the image of himself, mankind includes women (just for reference) and here is where I believe every woman is perfect. You don't have to believe in God to know the normaly conversation about Him is that He is the only perfect being, and in being so all of his Creation is perfect. Guess what ladies, we are part of His Creation! So we are perfect in the eyes of the Lord, but maybe not in the eyes of the world.

A smart man once said in a convenient facebook status, 

"Women's standard of beauty has changed as a result of advertising. Skimpy clothes, extenuated curves, artificial definition with make up, etc. However this standard is only validated because men accept it as beautiful. Men, a woman's value is not found in her beauty, or artificial beauty, but in her heart."  I couldn't have said it any better than he did, because every word is true. Our beauty, ladies, is found where men must search-our hearts. Don't validate yourselves with men or skimpy clothing, or new shoes, new hair, or anything unimportant, validate yourselves with YOURSELVES. God helps too!

So to you, the woman who looks down on herself for not being pretty enough, skinny enough, funny, or smart enough know that you are enough. You are more than enough. You are overflowing with ENOUGH. 

Challenge : I don't normally do this at the end of my blogs, but I feel like it's important to do such a thing. TO THE WOMEN: take a marker or lipstick, or something and write "you are beautiful" on your mirror that you look into every morning. Take it in steps, at first just look at it, read it in your head every morning. Then start to say it to yourself until you believe, and once you do? Continue that and spread your beauty!

TO THE MEN: Take time out of your day and find at least one girl a day (or more!) and tell her she is beautiful and then tell her why. Don't do it just to get one girl a day in for your quota, do it because you truly believe she is beautiful. And if you can't find one...maybe you should change the way you look at women.

All of you are beautiful and a perfect portion of God's Creation. Know it. Learn it. Love it.

Sincerely, 

A Struggling Beauty

until next time (: