What's In A Heart: Peace and Fire

There is an aching in my soul for a greater purpose. It is a Holy ache.

I feel like I struggle, like most young people my age who are also in college, with the idea of my future. I want to write and change the world. That is sort of all I have. I want to serve children, motivate young people, and truly put a mark on my world for the Glory of God. And then a friend told me a story.

A story of how, not hours prior, she was asked by a mentor of ours what she wanted to do with her life. Befuddled and aghast (fun words) she thought a while in her own mind and then she came up with one word - "Ministry". From there ensued a long conversation about her life and how absolutely empowering she is, at least that is what I got out of it because I love her! Then came my own question.

My question was, "What do I want to do?" This has plagued me for my entire career in college. I am a declared Secondary Education Major with focuses in English and Biology. I chose those things because I want to serve, and write. I have been running into people over the last few weeks who have been grasping at their gut feelings and running out where God could lay out the pavement.

My friends are my peace. I have one that is following God to Thailand for an entire year. Not only is that a place she has never been, but it is a place where she doesn't know the language or the people. I have one who changed her major in her senior year and is following her deep passion for people. I have so many more who motivate me to do what my heart desires.

What my heart desires is the Lord. I am on fire for the King. I want to serve Him however He sees fit, and as much as I love the idea of teaching I believe that is just a gateway into something absolutely wonderful. Wherever He says to go - I will follow and that is being shown to me through the beauty of my friends. They are helping God set me ablaze.

My answer to the mentor is that I want to be a servant. Nothing will stand in my way of seeking my Creator - wherever He takes me.

until next time. (:

What's In A Heart: Love's Meaning

I have started and re-started this blog a thousand times because I have no clue how to make it not nauseating or sappy. Here it goes...sort of.

My wonderful boyfriend, Tom and I have been dating 1 year and 4 months as of a few days ago, and I could not be happier. Our story is a cute and simple one where we both had feelings for eachother and never got the nerve to say one single thing until a two day span of talking and playing 20 Questions. None the less it came down to "So...let's be together?" My response was "Sure...", and here we are. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Tom and I on our anniversary, picture was taken by some sweet friends of ours!

However, from time to time I have these little doubts and fears about our future. I am doing my best to live in the present moment, which is so beautiful, but there are times when my stomach gets tight and I think to myself "Will I love him forever?" That's when my mind reverts back to the meaning of love, and how it applies to what I am feeling.

At the beginning of our relationship Tom and I told God that He would know when we were in love. He would know when we understood what that truly meant, and so we continued to pray for His guidance. When the time came for us to finally say those three words I turned to him and we both knew the same thing before the words fell from my lips, "Love means never turning back. Never giving up. And absolutely never ever underestimating the strength of God." We agreed, and when I think of that moment in my times of need my doubts and fears are immediatly replaced with peace.

I am so worried all the time about bills, school, home stuff, and whether or not I will have a future as a teacher and in the midst of a pre-break down hyperventilation session I realize I am not trusting the one man who can change, and has changed it all for me. I begin to feel small in God's presence and I know that to God love means never turning back, just like it does for Tom and I.

It amazing to me how loving Tom in the thick and thin has helped me to deeply understand the power of God's love and grace. There are days when I know I will love Tom forever, but being around him is just obnoxious. Or there are days when the only person I want near me is him, and all I want to do is tell him how much he means to me. We argue, we disagree, we laugh, and we love - all the things I do with my God.

I have a saying that "Love is bigger". To me it means that in the end God's loving arms are big enough to hold all the baggage and fear Tom and I are building up for ourselves. It also means He is big enough to tear it all down. God can handle everything and anything because He is the meaning of love. He will never turn back, give up, or underestimate our strength.

until next time (:

Oh, That's Romance?

Romance. It's sort of a multi-faceted term that reaches all generations, religions, races, and sexual orientations but has a million different meanings. Being a 20-year-old, christian, white, heterosexual female the idea of romance has always been that of Noah and Allie Calhoun. Boy, was I wrong.

I stated in an earlier blog post that I've never been one for the 'damsel in distress' or 'princess' mentality mainly because I think it's a waste to spend your time waiting for a man in chaps to save your life. However, something I never realized until I was thrown into a loving and absolutely breath taking romance was that I had been waiting for a man like Noah Calhoun to sweep me off my longing feet. It was not unrealistic to think that a man would ever love me endlessly, and without regard to my mood or hair style but it was unrealistic to think we would just fall in love like magic...like a movie.

Noah and Allie's romance was something that took time, hard work, and lots of trial and error but it fell together to nicely at the end because it was a movie. When I was younger I thought that love was butterflies in spring time, and hot chocolate in a snow storm. All cuddles, kisses, and sweet nothings and I realize now that was because I had never been in love. At least I had never considered that I was 'in love'. 

My love story began the day I told God I loved Him, and the day I told Him I trusted Him to find and mold the man of my life. That was at least eight or nine years ago, and being almost 21-years-old has left a lot of room for frustration, anger and pain when it comes to what I thought romance was. I thought I had found it when I started dating a man who tore me down mentally and emotionally because I thought he was helping me 'grow'. I thought I had it when a man confessed his love for me, and I told myself that maybe it just took time. I thought I had it when I found a man who could listen to me for hours on end, but never shared what the inner workings of his personality or emotion.

The problem with all of those is because they started with 'I'. 

God never had plans for me to do all the work, or any of it for that matter. God knew all three of those men were not for me, and through the heartache and emotional wreckage He spent time rebuilding what I decided was mine to put in the harm's way. Silly me. God had started molding the one He had planned for me a year and two days after my name was written on the birth certificate. 

I don't know that I would have changed any of those past experiences for the world because they helped create the 'list'.

In the end, I am not Allie and Tom is not my Noah because we have problems and temptations, and emotions that cannot fit into a motion picture script. We love, we laugh, we cry, and although almost never - we do argue.

God gave me the man who fulfilled every single 'requirement' that I set in from of Him, and so much more. God gave me the being He began to mold specifically for me, and for that I am grateful, and at the end of the day mine and Tom's romance is gorgeous. However, the way God loves me...that romance is insurmountable. 

until next time (:

This Year in 21 Simple Details (:

I want to reflect on this past year because it has been an incredible one (:

1) I had the opportunity to see some amazing friends and family get married this year! So blessed to know Kate&Robert, Matthias&Keilah, and my wonderful cousin Susan.

2) I got to see another friend get engaged, and share in the joy of their love! 

3) The opportunity to sing (with two of the best girls around) at my first wedding, it was a blessed experience.

4) I received the worst grades of my school career, a blessing in disguise.

5) I received the best grades of my school career, a relief.

6) Fell in and out and in love with God. It's an ever growing relationship with my Creator.

7) I began dating and fell in love with one of the most inspiring, open hearted, Godly men I know.

8) Made brand new friends, and what an incredible blessing they are!

9) Caught myself more than once saying or doing something that wasn't glorifying and stopped myself - it's ever growing.

10) I got my first two tattoos.

11) Remembered my friend on the year anniversary of her death, RIP Chels.

12) Prayed with my girls for guidance and peace, love and mercy...and then prayed again, and again, and again.

13) Discussed sex and the nitty-gritty details with pastors, priests, professors, and a rabi in front of my entire school. 

14) Started working two jobs, and going to school full time.

15) Managed and definitely didn't manage my stress properly. It takes time.

16) Stepped foot into the studio with an incredibly talented girl and started something I love!

17) Realized it is not always my responsibility, or even my business. However, I am created to listen and to speak with words given to me by the only true Healer.

18) Became unsure of what God wants for me to do - but I am incredibly excited to seek Him for the answer.

19) Realized how strong I really am.

20) Became inspired beyond belief by my friends who chase their dreams through love and grace.

21) I turned 20 years old, and found that nothing is for certain but Love Never Fails.

I've learned a few things, and I pray I've helped people learn a few things. I don't want to make New Year's Resolutions, but I do want to live my life by love and nothing else. I want to walk in the footsteps of my Maker with the ones I love. I've been blessed by Him to live another year and be so happy in the storms because He is only growing me.

until next year (:

What is the Truth About You?

It sucks to say I struggle everyday to look in the mirror with a happy face. What is worse is knowing the women that surround me, and a lot of men struggle with the same thing. It's not just bed head and a little bit of dry drool that they are frowning over, but it is the way they feel about themselves...the way I feel about myself.

Instead of telling me that I'm a "beautiful creation of God" please read on. Not that I don't appreciate those comments, every girl likes to hear she is beautiful, but that is a 'go to' phrase that I don't want to hear just yet.

Yesterday I heard a song. A song to change minds, and break hearts so God can mold them again. I am so thankful. The name is "The Truth About Me" by Mandisa, and good glory is this woman reading my mind. 

The song is about the way she sees herself, and how different that is from the view point God has on His creation. I never think about how God sees me, do you? I never recognize how those who care about me see me, do you? It's a little selfish only letting how you see yourself get to you, don't you think? No to the first two, and a definite yes to the last one. 

How do I change the way I view myself?

I started by putting that song on repeat, and not just on my iPod but in my head as well. I work in fast food, which means I get bullied from time to time and I used to let it get to me. Now? I know God holds a higher standard for how I view myself, and even though it's the most difficult thing I have had to do in a while, I do my best to think differently. I have a mantra, "Love Is Bigger". Love can cover all of my insecurities, and thanks to Him I have no worries.

What if I have a not so "Mandisa-vational" day?

Every morning I get down. Every single morning, but I surround myself with the people who truly care about me and want to see me feel better about myself. (If that didn't sound like a motivational poster, I don't know what does).

So I make promises to myself or to others about my self-esteem because in my mind promises are, and must stay, unbreakable. I promised my boyfriend I would do my best to see myself through his eyes as a beautiful and strong woman of God. I promised God I would start to change the words I use to describe myself into a more positive tone because I owe it to myself to see me the way He does. 

If I put myself down, I'm putting down His creation - and God doesn't make mistakes. Isn't that reassuring?

I'm not saying that all of this is easy, or that you can do it in a pinch if you're feeling down. Changing your confidence to be more positive is like a long-term, loving relationship, it takes effort and time but in the end it is the greatest thing you have or will ever do not just for yourself but for everyone around you. No one likes a negative nancy, especially when you are putting yourself down and being serious about it. 

What's the truth about me? I am a creation of the Most High and nothing about me was made wrong - He does good work.

until next time (:

The time to end slavery is NOW

No matter what you think about the slavery of the past - know that the slavery of today must have warriors like William Wilberforce and Martin Luther King Jr.

27 Million people are enslaved around the world today for labor and sex.

32 Billion dollars. That is how much the human trafficking and sex trade industry makes currently, that is how much it is worth.

80% of those enslaved are women and children.

In case you didn't catch it, I never mentioned only one country...in fact I mentioned 161 countries that promote or partake in the disgusting act of selling human beings. The US included.

I'm not here to say I'm some magical warrior that can change the world with a little bit of money or an army, but I am saying that I am already part of an army that should take a step towards doing something about it. The world is torn every day into a million little pieces of consumerism and poverty. Every day men and women turn on their computers to watch women, men, and children strip and lay with people they have never met before. Which means every day women, men and children are forced in front of screens and told to do as they are demanded - or die.

Some reading may find it extreme, or think I am over exaggerating but read closely as I go on.

This act of sex and labor trafficking does not just happen in far off countries that no one has ever heard of, it is happening in my backyard and I am sure your's as well. Detroit, Pontiac, and Toledo are three of the top hubs for human trafficking in the world. Not country. I said world. I live two and a half hours from Toledo. I live fourty-five minutes from Detroit. I live fifteen minutes from Pontiac. I am a target.

My roommate is a target.

My boyfriend is a target.

The children I babysit are targets.

This is not to say "don't ever go to any of these places" or "don't leave your home". Instead I am asking that as a body of individuals who believes this is wrong that we take action against it.

What can be done?

Below is a list of organizations you can become a part of, or at least assist in their already strong fight for the rights of ever man, woman, and child ever sold for labor or sex in the world today.

Exodus Cry

Hope Alliance

Polaris Project

love146

Not For Sale Campaign

Tiny Hands International

Those are just the few that come up, and I can say that all of them have one common goal - to rid this earth of one of the most hainess crimes ever committed by its people. If you aren't disgusted by the statistics, or even the idea that minutes from where you stand someone is being drugged and shoved into a van to be sold to men around the world - stop reading now.

If a lump just formed at the bottom of stomach because you never knew, and want to know more - the only way to change something is to educate yourself and others. Spread the world, and help put an end to Human Trafficking.

until next time.

What INSPIRES you?

Inspirations. 

I have so many for the thousands of thoughts, writings, songs, stories, and just plain laughter day in and day out that it is so difficult to pin point each one. But here we go...

God.

This isn't really going in order, but God in quite possibly the biggest inspiration around town. He is Creator. He is Prince of Peace. He is everything to every part of me, and that is a hard thing to grasp sometimes. Psalm 139 encapsulates the intensity of God by saying He knew me while I was in my mother's womb. How could that no inspire you?

Momma.

It's once again hard to elaborate the intensity as to which she inspires me, but when it comes to my writing and dreams there has never been a time she thought I couldn't do anything I put my little heart to. Writing a children's book? Working on it, and she is my proofreader. Going to college? She researched schools with me, and pushed me to try something half way across the country. She is incredible, and she inspires my soul to be a better human.

Roomies.

Amanda: Her determination is moving and is something that inspires me to be a better student. I know that whatever I'm going through I can talk to her about, she is sort of the big sister of our four-some and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Dena: My little imagination station. I once told her that her faith makes my soul sing, and that is more true now than ever. I am so blessed to know her and she inspires my faith forward.

Jessica: Two year friendaverssary just passed and I am moved by our love, frustrations, and just plain giggly and creative spirits. She is my soul mate, my lufffff, and my sister. I always say we are so crazy that God did not make us blood sisters because He knew our mothers couldn't handle us both at the same time.

Thomas.

Boyfriend. Best friend. Loving me intensely and truly. I am inspired by how much we work together through things, question each other, push one another in Christ and are so bound to the idea of traveling this path together that I am so glad God gave me you.

Old friends.

high school. middle school. elementary school. It doesn't matter, I am blessed to know you or even have known you. I am in love with the fact that God gave me enough variety, and creativity that you all have helped mold the person I am. 

New friends.

Memories to made and lives to be changed. That in itself is inspiration.

God is good. Life is inspiring. Sometimes I just have to remember to open my eyes.

until next time (: