This post has been days, weeks, and even months in the making. I've started and deleted, started and changed words and then deleted everything because no words seems to match up to exactly how I am feeling. It's hard to know how you feel when parts of you still don't know how to feel.
The thought of today has consumed my mind for the majority of this year, and even more so since the month of February has begun. The idea that it has been a full year and I still have days where it gets hard to breathe when I think about her is just...frustrating. I foolishly believed that once last February had passed I'd be alright. When I wasn't I began to dread her birthday, the 6 month anniversary and this. This constant reminder that one year ago a ray of sunshine was stolen from this planet, and I never got the chance to tell her how much she inspired me.
For those who are a bit in the dark I'll fill you in - it's become cathartic to do so.
One year ago today, my friend and someone I held to high esteem was on a run in the middle of the day, like she did everyday and was kidnapped by a man named John Albert Gardner III. Her purity was stolen, and then he took her last breaths, and with that sent an entire community of people into a fit of rage - fear - and misunderstanding.
With all of that being said, this is to you.
Chelsea, my sunflower sister,
We were born the same month, a year apart. We had the same two favorite colors. We're our parent's "hippy children". We WILL change the world. I miss you more than most words could express but I am going to try for your sake. Today is hard. Today was something I just wanted to skip over and forget, but in a way that remembered you without hurting me - sadly I've found that that isn't possible. I have so many things to ask you, so many things I want to know, but today none of those things seem to matter. The only thing that does, ironically, is how you feel today? Are you with your parents and brother? How about Poway High School? Are you in a thousand places at once? Is that possible? I want to know how you see us now? What do the stars look like underneath your feet? Is it fun to ride on a cloud? Or even a drop of rain? What's it like knowing his name? Would you want him where he is now? What would you say to him if you could say anything at all? I have too many questions, too many pangs of anger-frustration-sadness-tears...there are too many emotions to feel today and I feel them all every second of this day. The next four or five days are going to be hard because I remember EVERY little thing about the weekend you were missing. I remember the air being knocked out of me at 7:00 pm sharp March 2nd. I remember all of my anger towards, all of my question...some of it hasn't subsided. God didn't want this for you, angel, he didn't want you to be hurt or to meet you before your time. He wanted you to fullfill all the beautiful things through the doors he opened for you. My God wouldn't have let this happen..so how did it? I won't stop asking until I behold His face and ask him myself. Then I'll run into your arms and we'll giggle like we always did. Until that day, save a spot for me-preferably a recycled bean bag chair (: I love you, babygirl and you are my inspiration.
I hope your proud of me.
Forever,
Me.
until next time.
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