What's In A Heart: Peace and Fire

There is an aching in my soul for a greater purpose. It is a Holy ache.

I feel like I struggle, like most young people my age who are also in college, with the idea of my future. I want to write and change the world. That is sort of all I have. I want to serve children, motivate young people, and truly put a mark on my world for the Glory of God. And then a friend told me a story.

A story of how, not hours prior, she was asked by a mentor of ours what she wanted to do with her life. Befuddled and aghast (fun words) she thought a while in her own mind and then she came up with one word - "Ministry". From there ensued a long conversation about her life and how absolutely empowering she is, at least that is what I got out of it because I love her! Then came my own question.

My question was, "What do I want to do?" This has plagued me for my entire career in college. I am a declared Secondary Education Major with focuses in English and Biology. I chose those things because I want to serve, and write. I have been running into people over the last few weeks who have been grasping at their gut feelings and running out where God could lay out the pavement.

My friends are my peace. I have one that is following God to Thailand for an entire year. Not only is that a place she has never been, but it is a place where she doesn't know the language or the people. I have one who changed her major in her senior year and is following her deep passion for people. I have so many more who motivate me to do what my heart desires.

What my heart desires is the Lord. I am on fire for the King. I want to serve Him however He sees fit, and as much as I love the idea of teaching I believe that is just a gateway into something absolutely wonderful. Wherever He says to go - I will follow and that is being shown to me through the beauty of my friends. They are helping God set me ablaze.

My answer to the mentor is that I want to be a servant. Nothing will stand in my way of seeking my Creator - wherever He takes me.

until next time. (:

What's In A Heart: Love's Meaning

I have started and re-started this blog a thousand times because I have no clue how to make it not nauseating or sappy. Here it goes...sort of.

My wonderful boyfriend, Tom and I have been dating 1 year and 4 months as of a few days ago, and I could not be happier. Our story is a cute and simple one where we both had feelings for eachother and never got the nerve to say one single thing until a two day span of talking and playing 20 Questions. None the less it came down to "So...let's be together?" My response was "Sure...", and here we are. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Tom and I on our anniversary, picture was taken by some sweet friends of ours!

However, from time to time I have these little doubts and fears about our future. I am doing my best to live in the present moment, which is so beautiful, but there are times when my stomach gets tight and I think to myself "Will I love him forever?" That's when my mind reverts back to the meaning of love, and how it applies to what I am feeling.

At the beginning of our relationship Tom and I told God that He would know when we were in love. He would know when we understood what that truly meant, and so we continued to pray for His guidance. When the time came for us to finally say those three words I turned to him and we both knew the same thing before the words fell from my lips, "Love means never turning back. Never giving up. And absolutely never ever underestimating the strength of God." We agreed, and when I think of that moment in my times of need my doubts and fears are immediatly replaced with peace.

I am so worried all the time about bills, school, home stuff, and whether or not I will have a future as a teacher and in the midst of a pre-break down hyperventilation session I realize I am not trusting the one man who can change, and has changed it all for me. I begin to feel small in God's presence and I know that to God love means never turning back, just like it does for Tom and I.

It amazing to me how loving Tom in the thick and thin has helped me to deeply understand the power of God's love and grace. There are days when I know I will love Tom forever, but being around him is just obnoxious. Or there are days when the only person I want near me is him, and all I want to do is tell him how much he means to me. We argue, we disagree, we laugh, and we love - all the things I do with my God.

I have a saying that "Love is bigger". To me it means that in the end God's loving arms are big enough to hold all the baggage and fear Tom and I are building up for ourselves. It also means He is big enough to tear it all down. God can handle everything and anything because He is the meaning of love. He will never turn back, give up, or underestimate our strength.

until next time (:

Oh, That's Romance?

Romance. It's sort of a multi-faceted term that reaches all generations, religions, races, and sexual orientations but has a million different meanings. Being a 20-year-old, christian, white, heterosexual female the idea of romance has always been that of Noah and Allie Calhoun. Boy, was I wrong.

I stated in an earlier blog post that I've never been one for the 'damsel in distress' or 'princess' mentality mainly because I think it's a waste to spend your time waiting for a man in chaps to save your life. However, something I never realized until I was thrown into a loving and absolutely breath taking romance was that I had been waiting for a man like Noah Calhoun to sweep me off my longing feet. It was not unrealistic to think that a man would ever love me endlessly, and without regard to my mood or hair style but it was unrealistic to think we would just fall in love like magic...like a movie.

Noah and Allie's romance was something that took time, hard work, and lots of trial and error but it fell together to nicely at the end because it was a movie. When I was younger I thought that love was butterflies in spring time, and hot chocolate in a snow storm. All cuddles, kisses, and sweet nothings and I realize now that was because I had never been in love. At least I had never considered that I was 'in love'. 

My love story began the day I told God I loved Him, and the day I told Him I trusted Him to find and mold the man of my life. That was at least eight or nine years ago, and being almost 21-years-old has left a lot of room for frustration, anger and pain when it comes to what I thought romance was. I thought I had found it when I started dating a man who tore me down mentally and emotionally because I thought he was helping me 'grow'. I thought I had it when a man confessed his love for me, and I told myself that maybe it just took time. I thought I had it when I found a man who could listen to me for hours on end, but never shared what the inner workings of his personality or emotion.

The problem with all of those is because they started with 'I'. 

God never had plans for me to do all the work, or any of it for that matter. God knew all three of those men were not for me, and through the heartache and emotional wreckage He spent time rebuilding what I decided was mine to put in the harm's way. Silly me. God had started molding the one He had planned for me a year and two days after my name was written on the birth certificate. 

I don't know that I would have changed any of those past experiences for the world because they helped create the 'list'.

In the end, I am not Allie and Tom is not my Noah because we have problems and temptations, and emotions that cannot fit into a motion picture script. We love, we laugh, we cry, and although almost never - we do argue.

God gave me the man who fulfilled every single 'requirement' that I set in from of Him, and so much more. God gave me the being He began to mold specifically for me, and for that I am grateful, and at the end of the day mine and Tom's romance is gorgeous. However, the way God loves me...that romance is insurmountable. 

until next time (: