Are You for Me?

Sometimes thoughts stir up. Thoughts I hate thinking and even thoughts I never thought I would think.

How could God do this?

Doesn't He love me?

Isn't He for me?

Are You sure this is good for me?

Are You sure this will prosper me?

I hate that You didn't step in.

Are You the Almighty?

I lost a friend to murder. Sometimes I have no idea what God wants of me (in any way shape or form). I struggle with lust (every day). I'm working 60 hours a week for an entire summer just to pay off a balance I owe for the next school year. I'm struggling in the classes I need to take to do what I'm sure (on good days) God wants me to do. My mom is struggling with the house, and so I work those 60 hours to help. I could go on. This is the worst summer I have yet to experience, and the only line I have playing in my head is "everything gets worse before it gets better."

Can I handle worse?

Lately I've been playing a song on repeat, For Me - Kari Jobe. For those who don't know her, or don't listen to her often I reccommend you listen to it at least once. The chorus of the song though is something that continues to play in my head even if I'm not listening to it.  

"I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that You will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that You have come down, even if to write upon my heart. To remind me who You are."

I thought I was sinning by having doubts in my God. I thought I'm a Christian, I have to believe in God all the time and keep that constant faith. Then I realized the true distinction between faith and belief. Not only had I been pushing through life on threads of belief and less than a string of faith, but I was fighting a demon I was sure to lose against if those threads and strings didn't get woven together.

Faith is where your heart is. Belief is where your head comes into play, and some days my head and my heart are not together on anything. Some days I have to force myself to sit down and read the Word, or listen to some worship or talk to my best friend about my frustrations. Sometimes my faith in God fights against the things I believe and I end up losing in the center of it all.

But sometimes, I win. More often then not my faith triumphs and I realize that God has me in the palm of His hand. Me. A miniscule, rambly, emotional, trainwreck of a girl who is just trying to keep herself afloat with friendships, school, family, and an incredible true love. He has me in the palm of His hand, and He is molding me each day. That faith triumphs, intertwines itself with belief and together they rule my day with prayer, worship, and scripture.

Not everyday is good. I have doubts all the time. But if I didn't have them, I woudln't be where I stand. And I like the view from up here, in the center of God's hand.

until next time (: